Surviving Singleness #5

Exercise the Love Muscle 

I remember tearing up in a discussion with a good friend about love, back in my late 20s. It wasn’t because I thought love had passed me by. And it wasn’t because I was not currently the object of anyone’s love, or a boyfriend or husband wasn’t the object of my love.

I was actually upset because I was thinking about my inability to love. I had become quite selfish by that stage in my life. Long hours alone, living by yourself, fixating on your own life will do that to a girl. And I was genuinely concerned that if God did bring a special man into my life, perhaps I wouldn’t know how to love him.

Well my friend soon put me straight, reminding me that since I know God – who IS love – if I stay close to Him, I would be able to love and love well. And besides, why was I waiting for loving to be a future action? Why not spend time developing my love muscle now…while I had ample time and resources as a single girl. Ouch! Sometimes friends can be so blunt……….and so right!

So one way I set about developing my ability to love was to become an encourager. Think about those in your life who have encouraged you. Aren’t they someone you admire, appreciate and want to emulate? I have been extremely blessed over my lifetime to have had many and varied people – from teachers to students to aunts to friends to bosses to sisters  - speak words of gratitude and encouragement into my life. They are words that have changed me, challenged me and comforted me. In fact, one of my sentimental keepsakes is my ‘Joy Box’….a box full of wonderful words of encouragement written by these people on beautiful cards and pieces of scrap paper. These are still treasures that I read once in a while, and even though many were written years ago, they still have the ability to refresh me, lighten my spirit and make me smile and get excited about life.

Imagine if my words – spoken and written - did the same for others? So that’s one thing over the years I have tried to do…bless and encourage others through words. I am one of those people who don’t like talking on the phone, but I have lists of people I pencil into my diary to call at different intervals throughout the month or year. I pray that a call from me and words I am trusting God to give me, will tell those people that they are loved.

I like to write cards and notes to people….workmates, friends, my family, students. And again, I hope that I might be offering a word in season to encourage them and give them that little nudge to keep going. Recently, I wrote 3 little notes to 3 teenaged boys I teach. To the Yr 10 boy who said ‘thank-you’ after a lesson, I said ‘thanks’ in return and urged him to never lose that gift of encouragement because it makes a difference. To the Yr 9 boy who used encouraging words on the sports’ field, I urged him to keep speaking kind, ‘build-em-up’ words with his classmates because he’ll never know how much they might mean to someone who is struggling. And to the Yr 8 boy who came last in every event, but still had a go, I encouraged him to always keep that ‘have-a-go’ attitude because with it, he will go far in this life. Simple things. 50 word notes, that took no time at all, but that I pray God will use to encourage those young men.

So who is in your life that you can encourage today? Family members, friends, workmates, your pastor, church family, teenagers, children, random people you see once a week…your postie??? Even if you are not the most proficient writer, it honestly doesn’t take much time or talent to pen a few lines of appreciation. A Bible verse can add extra encouragement. Or even Google ideas for quotes or verses that you might be able to use. And don’t forget, every May holds National Thanksgiving Day, perhaps you can use that month as motivation but even before then, how about you to write 5 cards of encouragement by Christmas. That's only 1 every fortnight!

Encouraging others does make a difference, and not just to the person who is the recipient of your kind words. As you exercise your love muscle, God shines through you and changes your heart. Perhaps He’ll even use your willingness to love now, in the single years, to develop your ability to love when you get married and start a family. That’s what He did for me.

Surviving Singleness #1

Okay...that's a blog title that you weren't expecting a happily married wife and new Mum to have on her blog isn't it? Well....I don't want to be elitist in this whole blogging adventure. I want all my friends to know they matter....whether they are single....married....childless....quiver's full.....whatever! So I'll occasionally post an article from this little series I wrote for the girls at my Aunty's church down south. While the content speaks mostly to single women....if you're a single guy you are welcome to have a read - it may provide valuable insights into the mixed-up, crazy world of a woman's mind! And if you are married....how about a walk down memory lane and perhaps the challenge to look to mentor someone who is walking in singleness right now. If we have 'been there, done that' we have something to share....so be brave....get real with someone....make a difference...all over a chat and a cup of Swiss Coffee (my current beverage of choice:)

Singleness….it’s one of the biggest challenges a young Christian woman will ever face. How do I know? Because I have been there, done that….all through my twenties and well into my 30s. And it was tough…lots of times. Consumed with thoughts of feeling unlovable and somehow deficient and wondering if God was just messing with me or did He actually have a plan for my life that would contain love and a husband. There were days when I just wanted to curl up and become a bitter old spinster and then there were days lived in hope. I kept busy with work and hanging out with good friends. I tried to stay close to God and trust Him as best I could. I kept in close contact with my family. I travelled. I read Christian books and watched too many chick flicks. And I kept an eye out for ‘Mr Possible’, hoping that he might turn out to be ‘Mr Right’. Here’s a couple of practical things that helped me deal with singleness:

1.       Be obedient to God in all areas but especially when it comes to relationships…don’t compromise things like purity and dating or marrying a non-Christian.

2.       Be open and honest with God and yourself about your desires for a husband. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family, but don’t let that become all-consuming. There’s plenty of other things to do and see and learn in life. And God is faithful….even if we sometimes feel He just works to darn slowly.

3.       Get onto the Boundless website. (www.boundless.org) This is a webzine and podcast from Focus on the Family aimed at 20 – 30+ year olds, especially singles. The articles are fantastic and cover everything from singleness to dating to finances to spiritual growth and more. Many of Candice Watters’ articles helped me a great deal, offering hope, encouragement and solid Biblical advice.

4.       Candice has also written a book, available at Christian bookstores and on-line, called: Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen. Worth a read.

5.       Enlist a ‘team’ to help you. My team included most of my family and 1 or 2 close friends. These guys offered advice and encouragement, introduced me to decent Christian men and helped keep me level-headed throughout the dating process. This was especially important as I braved the world of Christian internet dating. My advice: don’t go into that arena solo.

My prayer is that you’ll continue to live in hope. God loves you so much and you can trust Him with your life….ALL of it. And somewhere, sometime I am confident that He will bring into your life (or to your notice) a man meant for you. How do I know? He did it for me. (Now that’s another story!) But if it can happen for ‘Miss Married-to-my-job–I’m-too-shy-If-I-commit-myself-fully-to-God-He’ll-keep-me-single-forever-and-send-me-to-Africa-as-a-missionary’, it can happen for anyone seeking God’s will, with a heart’s longing to love and be loved and living in faithful obedience to Him.