Taking J for Granted

One of the many challenges I face in doing life well is.....not taking my husband for granted.

He is such a good and kind and loving and fun(ny) man. I need to tell him so...often.

He is a generous and gracious man in so many little (and big) ways. I need to remind him how much I appreciate those qualities.

He is responsible and sensible, thorough and organised. They are qualities I admire and certainly ones that help keep home life running smoothly.

He is trustworthy and faithful. What a blessing that is to me, his wife.

There's plenty about J that is to be respected, admired, appreciated. Plenty that I can say 'Thank-you' for. But sometimes, in the busyness of life...in the late afternoon moments when he arrives home and dinner is a mess and Little J is tired (and so am I)....in the evenings when the dishes and ironing and tidying are heavy loads (both physically and emotionally)....in early mornings when that alarm goes off way too early for my liking....in moments of selfishness and impatience, I take him for granted.

I have certain 'expectations' of him and when he meets those expectations I just think 'so he should' rather than 'thanks so much.'

I discovered Ann Voskamp's blog 'A Holy Experience' in the past couple of days and found a life transforming post (all about loving better). You might like to take a look at the 4s she recommends.... focusses, embraces, affirmations.

I have been much more conscious of these three things in the past couple of days and as I do them, it is helping me be more grateful, loving and affectionate towards my wonderful husband. So the challenge of not taking him for granted, is slowly being overcome.

Will you give them a try?

What a Woman #One

Mask worn to protect the identity of the innocent:)

I am a woman....hope that statement doesn't come as a shock to anyone.
I am a woman desiring to live life the way God wants me to live it. A worthy life goal if I may say so myself.
I am a woman who fails frequently in achieving said goal. Hmmmmm...obviously I am a work in progress, so in 2011....let's keep the building project moving.
I especially feel like I fall short when I read about the 'woman of excellence' in Proverbs 31. 'What a woman' that one is.

So in the hope of inspiring myself on in this goal of living a God-pleasing life, I thought I'd tackle blogging a series of posts on some of the different facets of this woman in Proverbs 31. Perhaps I will see areas where I need to lift my game....perhaps there will be some where I am succeeeding....perhaps.... Won't you join me?

A theme I have mentioned of late in other posts, is the role of a wife. Created by God to be a helper (one who 'complements') for Adam, Eve had a special God-given role.

So do I. I am to 'bring my husband good.' (Proverbs 31:12) I do that by....speaking highly of him to others.....showing him respect in my words, tone, actions....allowing him to lead.....encouraging him......being a willing lover.....doing the washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc (with a smile:)).....giving him a head rub or back massage.....being his TA when he is replacing termite eaten skirting boards ......watching an action movie with him (even though I prefer comedies)......going willingly into his arms when he asks for a hug, even though I was in the middle of something.....making his lunch.....finding the icepack out for the green ant bite.....booking the holiday accommodation....staying within the budget he's organised when I go shopping........preparing a cold drink for him after he's mowed the lawn......praying for him every day.....thanking him for all he does to protect, provide and love our family.....

The other kind of wife is the one mentioned elsewhere in Proverbs. She is the one who makes life difficult and painful. Proverbs 12:4 - ....a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones. Proverbs 19:13 - a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. Proverbs 21:19 - Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. Hmmmm....NOT the kind of wife I want to be. Nor the kind of wife my husband deserves.

For our wedding, we wrote our own vows and J said in his that I was his crown. At first I didn't really know what that meant. But as I read Proverbs 12:4 - An excellent wife is the crown of her husband..... and thought about it, I realized the immense value and the incredible importance I have as my husband's wife. When I do him good, I am like a crown. I am a treasure. I make him feel important....like royalty. I help him to live well and bring him honour and pride.

But when I am selfish and look only to meet my own needs, I am more like a ball and chain. Hmmm.... wonder which one I'd prefer to wear?

A no-brainer question there. So that should make the decisions I make every day regarding my attitudes, words and actions towards my husband that much clearer and easier.

Simply put....Today (and every day), I need to do him good.

Surviving Singleness #4

Mind Games

I was flipping through past journals recently and it struck me…again….how much time I spend thinking. It’s a girl thing right? I even think about thinking!

The entries in my journal from my pre-married years highlighted how many potholes I fell into during that lengthy walk along the road of singleness. So in thinking about my thinking during that time, I just wanted to pass on a couple of warnings to others walking that road and suggest some pothole fillers that might be useful to you.

The Pothole of Inadequacy: I am a loser…no-one loves me.

One of the major pieces of faulty, and consequently damaging, thinking was that because I was not in a relationship and no-one seemed interested in pursuing one with me, I must therefore be unlovable or unworthy of love. In some way, perhaps many ways, I was obviously inadequate.

The Pothole of Selfishness: I….I….I…..I……I…….I…….I……I…..I……I

I guess it’s logical that in my journals I write about ME. But I realise how ME focussed I was during that season and it wasn’t healthy. We can spend way too much time fixated on ourselves and our own problems or circumstances and forget that as God’s girls we are called to look to the interests of others.

The Pothole of Ungratefulness: I have no boyfriend. I’m married to my job. I spend Friday and Saturday nights alone. I have sole responsibility for everything, including keeping the car running, taking out the bins and paying every bill. Oh, woe is me!

It is so easy to focus on negatives and see the glass as half empty and again, that is not what God has called us to.

The Pothole of Fantasyland: There are no decent men around. Why isn’t there a Mr Darcy? Or Romeo? Or Jack? Or…??? For me????????

I’ve heard it said that chick-lit and chick-flicks are female porn. Might sound a bit severe, but in some ways I agree. There was a season in my single years where I devoured romance novels and films and they affected my thinking….severely. Instead of building hope, they actually caused me to dwell on what I did not have. The Hollywood version of love in these books and movies is not even close to God’s design and that builds into our minds faulty thoughts about men, love and intimacy. They can be addictive, which is always dangerous. And they caused me to see the men in my life as somewhat deficient…’Well, why couldn’t they be like Mr Darcy? Or Romeo? Or Jack? Or…???’ They trigger feelings for something more that can take over our mental and physical selves and cause us to dwell on intimacy…or our lack of it.

There’s plenty of other potholes revealed in my journals but I am sure you get the picture. And if you are currently walking the single road, you could probably name a few that have caused your thinking to get bogged down or sidetracked.

BUT the great news is that we have a God who has given us the means to take up the shovel and fill in these potholes so that our thinking is no longer faulty and holding us back, but instead is a true reflection of how life is.

HIS WORD is the ultimate guide to filling in the potholes. Not only does it tell us the truth about who we are, why we are here and what life is about, but also, it gives specific helps for dealing with faulty thoughts. The very best one of course is to follow Paul’s advice in 2 Corinthians 10:5 – We destroy arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. But we can’t destroy faulty thinking if we do not know what is truth. And we can’t replace faulty thoughts with truthful ones if we are not IN God’s Word…reading, studying and applying it.

A couple of other practical ways I found to fill in the potholes have been accountability with a trusted friend or mentor who will talk through with me my thoughts and feelings and hold me accountable when it comes to what I am watching, reading, listening to, etc… I also reduced the amount of romance reading and viewing I was doing and for a time, fasted from that genre of entertainment. On some pages in my journals there is no complaining or whinging at all. Instead, I wrote lists – long ones – of the blessings in my life and expressed my deep gratefulness to God for His gifts to me. Counting your blessings sure changes your whole outlook on life. And I tried to counter the selfishness I saw in me by deliberately choosing to put others first and to find ways to encourage them. I called people, wrote letters, sent appreciation emails to my pastors, visited friends, practised hospitality, got involved in service ministries, sponsored children….and there’s heaps more here that you can do to get the focus off yourself. One final way I countered this particular pothole and kept hope for marriage alive was to pray for my future husband. Sure I hadn’t met him yet…well I didn’t think I had….but I could mention Him in my prayers and ask for God to bless him. I prayed for his relationships with friends and family. I asked God to give him wisdom in decisions and for the Holy Spirit to fill him with a desire to be obedient and faithful to our heavenly Father. I prayed for success in his job and for God to protect his heart and mind and body.

In all honesty, I did not do all these things all the time. But they are just some ways I tried, with God’s help, to not waste my season of singleness. Perhaps they might be an encouragement to you not just to keep on keeping on, but to travel the S road with fewer bumps and less potholes.

Letter to a Bride

I thought I'd flesh out my first 'Priscilla' idea from the last post. What's it look like to be a good wife? No doubt there's more to be said than what's below, but this is just a short note I penned to a friend recently on the occasion of her hen's night. Perhaps a few timely reminders for all of us blessed to be wives.....

Dear friend…..

Wonderful days ahead! As you continue to prepare for your wedding day, don’t forget the importance of preparing for your marriage. There’s lots to do for that special day, just as there is much to consider for the days, weeks, months and years that come after the wedding.

Here’s a few thoughts I have….not that after 3.21 years I can claim to be an expert!

Men are soooooo different to us girls. But just because they’re different, doesn’t make them wrong or stupid or……… Appreciate your man for the differences he brings to your relationship. Sometimes you really need to look hard and think positive, but it is worth it. He’ll certainly appreciate it and you’ll be happier than when you focus on the negatives.

Wives are soooooo good for their husbands. The Bible even says so! Men need someone to love and respect them. Who think they are a hero. Who constantly express their thanks for their protection and provision. Who serve them. Who give good massages. Make sure you keep a generous heart towards your husband…and act on that often!

It’s soooooo fun to love your hubby. When you find out what his principle love languages are (acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts or quality time) have fun putting into action ways that best tell him how much you love him. Be creative! And enjoy the consequences!

You sooooooo need God’s help to do marriage well. It was, after all, His grand plan and design so of course He has plenty to say about it. Make sure you search Scripture to discover what you are to do...be...say...show...in order to be ‘the crown of your husband’ (Proverbs 12:4).

And there’s soooooo much other helpful advice we can access to encourage us to ‘do’ being a wife really well. Podcasts and radio programs of Focus on the Family and Family Life Today….website: www.youngmarriedlife.com……books like ‘Intimate Issues’, ‘Fit to be Tied’, ‘His Needs Her Needs’, etc… are a few I have found useful.

Final tips...laugh a lot together...cuddle a lot...enjoy each other...always express gratitude to God and your husband...pray for him heaps...ask God to continue to help you be a wonderful helper, cheer-leader, lover...enjoy the journey – together:)

Blessings to you!

Kirsty VI

A retrospective....

From a recent jkvani blogpost.....

On more than on occasion in the past 10 days Jon has uttered these words: 

"We have a baby in the house." 

Each time he says it...there's a sense of awe and responsibility in his voice. And I totally agree. We have been given this priceless gift of a baby boy and wow! He is ours to look after and raise in God's ways....now that IS an awesome responsibility. 

I was encouraged by reading II Chronicles yesterday. Solomon cried out to God for wisdom and God loved that prayer and blessed him abundantly. So as I tackle the 3am feeds, that's my prayer too...that God would bestow upon us as Jacob's parents, great wisdom to raise our son well..in a way that honours the One who gave him to us in the first place. If you are a parent reading this, may you be encouraged to petition God for the wisdom of Solomon (even a small % of what he had would help) in doing the most important job on the planet....loving your husband/wife and raising your children.