Surviving Singleness #7

Risky Business

No! I am NOT going to be talking about singing songs in your socks and jocks aka Tom Cruise. But I wanted to start by saying that putting yourself out there to start and grow a relationship requires a certain amount of risk and as a logical consequence, the potential for failure. That was my experience anyway.

When I began to acknowledge a desire to be married, I set in motion a few steps to try to help that process. Some were successful and some resulted in absolute, abysmal, embarrassing failure….

One of the first things I did was tell trusted family and friends that I was interested in meeting men….they had to be Christians and preferably, not absolute dorks. I asked my friends to keep an eye out for me and if they thought it appropriate, invite me and him over so we could get to know each other in a relaxed, surrounded-by-friends atmosphere. That way it would be casual, low-key and I would have the chance to see him interact with others. Also, since I trust my family and close friends and I know they love me, I knew they would make a good choice of who to invite over. So how'd that plan go? Well…a failure really. Some Brizzy friends followed through for me and invited me and 'the chosen guy' to a soccer match. Even strategically had us sit near each other. Hmmmm… should have known things would not go well when he arrived ½ an hour late and did not speak to me throughout the whole first half of the game. Later, my friend told me he'd heard 'the chosen guy' was interested in someone else. And then followed up with the heart warming - but not very helpful - statement, "We really don't know anyone good enough for you K."

Next, I got the guts to call a guy and put a friendly invitation out there for us to get together for coffee next time he was in town. I coached myself before hand….be friendly, light, funny. I even had a script outline so I wouldn't stumble and fumble and sound psycho. I planned a good time to call and said a quick prayer before I did. Ok… I knew this would go well. Hmmmmm…maybe not…..
Ring ring ring ring
He picks :"Hello? Bob here." (name changed to protect his identity)
Me…calmly (but with heart racing!!!): "Hi Bob! It's Kirsty L.... here… how are you?"
Him: "Fine thanks…and yourself?"
Me….feeling in control and like this was going well: "Really well… thanks for asking. So I hear you've been working in town lately. And I was just wondering if you'd like to catch up next time you're here.
Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee or something? It'd be fun, coz as you know there's not too many people our age around and not too many things to do in this little town. But only if you want to of course."
And then the response that devastated me then, made me cringe for months afterwards and makes me laugh today…
Him: "Sorry? Who is this???"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Another failure! And we never got together for that coffee…or anything else.

Another risk was entering the world of internet dating. Potentially a dark and dangerous world, I thought if I signed up on a Christian dating website I would at least make it a less dark, but possibly
still dangerous, experience. Hmmmmmmm….

Three days into the 10 day trial, I deleted my profile from the website. At that time I just didn't feel right about putting myself out there and I certainly felt overwhelmed at the prospect of being contacted by weirdos and having to sort through a multitude of guy's profiles and hope I found the right one. Yep! Failed again.

But you know, considering how badly each of these plans went, I would do it all again. Because in that process I learned a few things about myself and what I wanted. I also grew a bit more confidence…risk
taking can do that for you. I admitted my desires. I enlisted the help of a team of trusted people, realising that even though it would ultimately be 'my' relationship, I needed the advice and support of community to get me there. I tried not to take the failures personally. I guess if I did, I would have given up after the soccer game flop and who knows….I might still be spinstering.

Finally, a thought from a brilliant little piece of theatre written by Qld girl Joanna Butler. In "I Want to be in a Jane Austen Novel," teacher Ellie tells her best friend Jen some home truths: "We're waiting for Mr Darcy to rescue us from all our problems – ride off with us on his white horse to Pemberley…What if he doesn't come?"

I guess I had that thought in mind as I set out to do things intentionally and differently regarding relationships. Sure my plans didn't have the desired results, but at least I was having a go… opening myself up to possibilities; realising the fairytale may not happen and I certainly couldn't just sit and do nothing and expect Mr Darcy or Mr Right to find me and sweep me off my feet. So risks were what I needed to take…and I did.

Next time…I'll tell you about the success story. Yes….after all those embarrassing failures, there has been a happy ending. And I pray there will be for you too.

Surviving Singleness #6

The Comparison Game

Just a couple of months back, I learned a painful, but important lesson. It’s one you think I would have learned years ago…and maybe I did, I had just forgotten. But to me, the issue of comparing ourselves to others is a continuous battle we girls fight. Sadly, it’s one that unless we win it, can do much damage to us….especially if we are single.

Far too many times in my single days I found myself comparing ‘me’ to someone-else. Typical thoughts included…..”No wonder I don’t have a boyfriend….I’m not as pretty as her”…..”Hey I’m smarter/prettier/nicer/funnier than that girl, so how come she is married and I’m not?”……”If only I was like her, then I’d have a man”….blah bee blah blah.  And as many times as I’d read in the Bible how much God loves ME, it didn’t always penetrate beyond a head knowledge.

Well, a few Saturdays ago, the comparison game raised its ugly head again. My husband and I attended a wedding and one of the guests was an ex-girlfriend of my husband. By ‘ex’ I do mean along time ago, before I was ever on the scene and when he was quite a different person. However, as I sat in the congregation and watched this beautiful girl in a stunning dress with a gorgeous figure…despite just having a baby.…..I couldn’t help it…..I started playing the horrid comparison game. “Does J wish he was with her, instead of me?”…..”Why did he ever choose me when he could have had her?”…..”I’m so fat….brunette…spotty compared to her”…..and the doubts and concerns kept coming. Ok, admittedly they were probably made worse by the fact that as a very, very pregnant woman I was looking rather round and feeling rather emotional right then. Still, the feelings of inadequacy, doubt, self-loathing and the like were real enough.

I battled with those thoughts for some 24 hours before I was graciously reminded by God that I was walking down the road of ‘stinkin’ thinkin’’ – again! Sunday night’s sermon was on the prodigal son, but more from the point of the son who stayed at home, while his younger brother left to waste his inheritance. Our pastor spoke about the three tests this older brother faced once the younger brother had returned and been welcomed with open arms by their father. Test 1 was the isolation test….instead of confronting the situation, he chose to dwell on his anger and isolate himself in his pain. Test 2 – the self-righteous test…..”I would never do that” and the start of comparing ourselves to others and noting how much better we are than them. And Test 3 – the comparison test.

In no uncertain terms, I was challenged by the sermon to stop measuring my security and identity against others. I was reminded how prideful I become when I do this and consider myself better than others. And I was reminded how inadequate and insignificant I feel when I do this and consider myself less than others. Neither attitudes are helpful…at all! And they are wrong. God’s word repeatedly tells me that I am to find my identity ‘in Christ.’

Romans 8:1 - Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus….

1Corinthians 1:30 - It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

2Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I can’t promise to never play this comparison game again, but I am strengthened and reminded by God’s word and His great love for me that I don’t need to play it. I am enough…for Him and for my husband. So right now, I’m opting out of the game and in doing that, I’ve won!

Surviving Singleness #4

Mind Games

I was flipping through past journals recently and it struck me…again….how much time I spend thinking. It’s a girl thing right? I even think about thinking!

The entries in my journal from my pre-married years highlighted how many potholes I fell into during that lengthy walk along the road of singleness. So in thinking about my thinking during that time, I just wanted to pass on a couple of warnings to others walking that road and suggest some pothole fillers that might be useful to you.

The Pothole of Inadequacy: I am a loser…no-one loves me.

One of the major pieces of faulty, and consequently damaging, thinking was that because I was not in a relationship and no-one seemed interested in pursuing one with me, I must therefore be unlovable or unworthy of love. In some way, perhaps many ways, I was obviously inadequate.

The Pothole of Selfishness: I….I….I…..I……I…….I…….I……I…..I……I

I guess it’s logical that in my journals I write about ME. But I realise how ME focussed I was during that season and it wasn’t healthy. We can spend way too much time fixated on ourselves and our own problems or circumstances and forget that as God’s girls we are called to look to the interests of others.

The Pothole of Ungratefulness: I have no boyfriend. I’m married to my job. I spend Friday and Saturday nights alone. I have sole responsibility for everything, including keeping the car running, taking out the bins and paying every bill. Oh, woe is me!

It is so easy to focus on negatives and see the glass as half empty and again, that is not what God has called us to.

The Pothole of Fantasyland: There are no decent men around. Why isn’t there a Mr Darcy? Or Romeo? Or Jack? Or…??? For me????????

I’ve heard it said that chick-lit and chick-flicks are female porn. Might sound a bit severe, but in some ways I agree. There was a season in my single years where I devoured romance novels and films and they affected my thinking….severely. Instead of building hope, they actually caused me to dwell on what I did not have. The Hollywood version of love in these books and movies is not even close to God’s design and that builds into our minds faulty thoughts about men, love and intimacy. They can be addictive, which is always dangerous. And they caused me to see the men in my life as somewhat deficient…’Well, why couldn’t they be like Mr Darcy? Or Romeo? Or Jack? Or…???’ They trigger feelings for something more that can take over our mental and physical selves and cause us to dwell on intimacy…or our lack of it.

There’s plenty of other potholes revealed in my journals but I am sure you get the picture. And if you are currently walking the single road, you could probably name a few that have caused your thinking to get bogged down or sidetracked.

BUT the great news is that we have a God who has given us the means to take up the shovel and fill in these potholes so that our thinking is no longer faulty and holding us back, but instead is a true reflection of how life is.

HIS WORD is the ultimate guide to filling in the potholes. Not only does it tell us the truth about who we are, why we are here and what life is about, but also, it gives specific helps for dealing with faulty thoughts. The very best one of course is to follow Paul’s advice in 2 Corinthians 10:5 – We destroy arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. But we can’t destroy faulty thinking if we do not know what is truth. And we can’t replace faulty thoughts with truthful ones if we are not IN God’s Word…reading, studying and applying it.

A couple of other practical ways I found to fill in the potholes have been accountability with a trusted friend or mentor who will talk through with me my thoughts and feelings and hold me accountable when it comes to what I am watching, reading, listening to, etc… I also reduced the amount of romance reading and viewing I was doing and for a time, fasted from that genre of entertainment. On some pages in my journals there is no complaining or whinging at all. Instead, I wrote lists – long ones – of the blessings in my life and expressed my deep gratefulness to God for His gifts to me. Counting your blessings sure changes your whole outlook on life. And I tried to counter the selfishness I saw in me by deliberately choosing to put others first and to find ways to encourage them. I called people, wrote letters, sent appreciation emails to my pastors, visited friends, practised hospitality, got involved in service ministries, sponsored children….and there’s heaps more here that you can do to get the focus off yourself. One final way I countered this particular pothole and kept hope for marriage alive was to pray for my future husband. Sure I hadn’t met him yet…well I didn’t think I had….but I could mention Him in my prayers and ask for God to bless him. I prayed for his relationships with friends and family. I asked God to give him wisdom in decisions and for the Holy Spirit to fill him with a desire to be obedient and faithful to our heavenly Father. I prayed for success in his job and for God to protect his heart and mind and body.

In all honesty, I did not do all these things all the time. But they are just some ways I tried, with God’s help, to not waste my season of singleness. Perhaps they might be an encouragement to you not just to keep on keeping on, but to travel the S road with fewer bumps and less potholes.

Surviving Singleness #3

“If Only”

Today, my encouragement to the beautiful single girls reading this comes from ‘Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl.’ This new book, written by Lysa TerKeurst (President of Proverbs 31 Ministries) has been beside my bed for the past two months and I have been thoroughly entertained and more importantly, challenged and changed by its message. With chapter titles like: Unlikely Lessons from a Pineapple, Cross My Heart & Close My Mouth, When My Ugly Comes Out and Praying the Dangerous Prayers, there’s plenty here for every woman who has ever felt like she was just going through the motions of the Christian life, ticking off the to-do list items and sensing there had to be ‘something more.’ So yes, I highly recommend the book, for ALL women, but for the ‘unclaimed gems’ here’s a few thoughts from Lysa and myself, which I hope might bless you today.

From Lysa….

The reality is no person, possession, profession, or position ever fills the cup of a wounded, empty heart – not my heart, not your heart. It’s an emptiness only God can fill. Anything we use as a substitute for God is an idol, a false god. (pg 30)

From me…..

During my single days, there were times when I tried to fill the emptiness in my life with each of those P’s. I thought certain people, especially a boyfriend would make me complete. With few expenses and a whole income to myself, I spent far too much time buying ‘stuff’….some of which sat in the cupboard, never worn or used. I pursued my job of teaching until it was almost all-consuming. Sure, I enjoyed it, but the fact that I dreamt about it most nights and around end of semester, dreamt in typed speech because of all the time I spent on computers writing reports (!!!) suggested too much of a good thing, can just be too much! And I took on a variety of positions both at work and church to try to find the niche I was supposed to be in where I would feel significant. Are you doing any of that??

From Lysa….

Even if we don’t fall into the idolatry of relying solely on other people or things to fill us, we can still be tempted by the lie that the things of this world bring fulfilment. It’s a lie that typically goes something like this: I could be really happy and fulfilled if only I had…..

….a skinnier body.

….a husband.

….a husband who was more tender and romantic.

….more money.

….a more successful career.

….a better personality.

….a baby.

….smarter kids.

………….apart from a thriving relationship with God, even if you got everything on your list, there would still be a hollow gap in your soul. (pg 32)

From me….

As the one and only single girl in a group of friends I had a few years ago, it was a constant reminder to me that by not being married, I was missing out. Wrong thinking! I began to learn, slowly, that no-one (not even a special man) and nothing (not even romantic love), was responsible for my happiness and contentment in life. It was a choice and still IS a choice I need to make every day.

From Lysa….

Instead of saying, “If only I had…..” and filling in the blank with some person, possession, profession or position, make a choice to replace the statement with something that draws your heart into God’s truth. Since we cannot be pulled away from God and draw near to Him at the same time, speaking truth rights our perspectives and puts our focus where it should be. (pg 32)

As long as I daily make the choice to be guided by His truth, He replaces my hollowness with a wholeness of love that has no gaps. (pg 35)

From me….

People and things are NOT where I get value or contentment or ultimate fulfilment. My eyes need to be on God for that, my heart needs to be in tune with His and my thoughts and actions need to reflect the truth of His word. I am indeed loved. Precious. Blessed. Protected. Valued. Wanted. By the King of all Creation…the Saviour of the World….the Lord God Almighty. Wow! My prayer today is that you will let those truths get a hold of your thoughts and chase the ‘If only’s….’ far from your thinking.

Surviving Singleness #2

This one is called:

The List

I am a ‘list’ girl. I like writing lists and even better, I like checking things off the lists I write. I even have a ‘Kirsty’s Little Book of Lists’ (inspired by list queen Belinda B) that has lists of all sorts of things….movies I want to see, baby names I like, goals for the year, ‘to do’ lists for the holidays, present ideas for this year’s birthdays, shopping and bucket lists..…the list of my lists is endless.

A few years back, during the midst of my single days, I read Rebecca St James’ book “Wait for Me.” Following her idea, I wrote a list of the qualities I was looking for in a husband. I guess I wanted to clarify what I thought were the most important characteristics in a mate. It was fun to write and made me think hard too. Here’s some of the ideas from my list…..I would like to meet and love a man who: is honest, has a sense of humour, loves me, is strong – both physically and emotionally, values family, walks closely with God, is friendly, is a good listener, is fit and the list went on….

Then it hit me…hard! It was all well and good to write this list and be on the lookout for a man who fulfilled the list, but the most important thing was actually how many of those qualities was I displaying? Was I loving God…walking in trust and obedience? Was I loving my family….keeping in touch with my parents? Speaking kindly to my siblings? Was I approachable, friendly, others'-focussed? Was I looking to be healthy and whole physically? Was I a woman of integrity, one who lived what I said I believed? Was I treating my friends with respect and encouraging them?

 In the waiting period of the single years, can I encourage you to make sure your focus is not entirely on Mr Right and all you hope he will be and do. God has a plan for who He desires You to be as His beloved daughter. His desire is for you to be a woman who expresses love, joy and peace. He wants you to exhibit patience, kindness and goodness.  He created you to have words and actions that exude gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.

You know, in so many ways dating, romance, marriage and love are NOT about me. And yet, in considering my (future) spouse, there’s an awful lot that IS about me. Who am I? What am I like? And is that a blessing to those around me now and will it be a blessing to my husband? If not, pray for God to help you become the person He wants you to be, for the one He wants to give you.