Surviving Singleness #7

Risky Business

No! I am NOT going to be talking about singing songs in your socks and jocks aka Tom Cruise. But I wanted to start by saying that putting yourself out there to start and grow a relationship requires a certain amount of risk and as a logical consequence, the potential for failure. That was my experience anyway.

When I began to acknowledge a desire to be married, I set in motion a few steps to try to help that process. Some were successful and some resulted in absolute, abysmal, embarrassing failure….

One of the first things I did was tell trusted family and friends that I was interested in meeting men….they had to be Christians and preferably, not absolute dorks. I asked my friends to keep an eye out for me and if they thought it appropriate, invite me and him over so we could get to know each other in a relaxed, surrounded-by-friends atmosphere. That way it would be casual, low-key and I would have the chance to see him interact with others. Also, since I trust my family and close friends and I know they love me, I knew they would make a good choice of who to invite over. So how'd that plan go? Well…a failure really. Some Brizzy friends followed through for me and invited me and 'the chosen guy' to a soccer match. Even strategically had us sit near each other. Hmmmm… should have known things would not go well when he arrived ½ an hour late and did not speak to me throughout the whole first half of the game. Later, my friend told me he'd heard 'the chosen guy' was interested in someone else. And then followed up with the heart warming - but not very helpful - statement, "We really don't know anyone good enough for you K."

Next, I got the guts to call a guy and put a friendly invitation out there for us to get together for coffee next time he was in town. I coached myself before hand….be friendly, light, funny. I even had a script outline so I wouldn't stumble and fumble and sound psycho. I planned a good time to call and said a quick prayer before I did. Ok… I knew this would go well. Hmmmmm…maybe not…..
Ring ring ring ring
He picks :"Hello? Bob here." (name changed to protect his identity)
Me…calmly (but with heart racing!!!): "Hi Bob! It's Kirsty L.... here… how are you?"
Him: "Fine thanks…and yourself?"
Me….feeling in control and like this was going well: "Really well… thanks for asking. So I hear you've been working in town lately. And I was just wondering if you'd like to catch up next time you're here.
Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee or something? It'd be fun, coz as you know there's not too many people our age around and not too many things to do in this little town. But only if you want to of course."
And then the response that devastated me then, made me cringe for months afterwards and makes me laugh today…
Him: "Sorry? Who is this???"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Another failure! And we never got together for that coffee…or anything else.

Another risk was entering the world of internet dating. Potentially a dark and dangerous world, I thought if I signed up on a Christian dating website I would at least make it a less dark, but possibly
still dangerous, experience. Hmmmmmmm….

Three days into the 10 day trial, I deleted my profile from the website. At that time I just didn't feel right about putting myself out there and I certainly felt overwhelmed at the prospect of being contacted by weirdos and having to sort through a multitude of guy's profiles and hope I found the right one. Yep! Failed again.

But you know, considering how badly each of these plans went, I would do it all again. Because in that process I learned a few things about myself and what I wanted. I also grew a bit more confidence…risk
taking can do that for you. I admitted my desires. I enlisted the help of a team of trusted people, realising that even though it would ultimately be 'my' relationship, I needed the advice and support of community to get me there. I tried not to take the failures personally. I guess if I did, I would have given up after the soccer game flop and who knows….I might still be spinstering.

Finally, a thought from a brilliant little piece of theatre written by Qld girl Joanna Butler. In "I Want to be in a Jane Austen Novel," teacher Ellie tells her best friend Jen some home truths: "We're waiting for Mr Darcy to rescue us from all our problems – ride off with us on his white horse to Pemberley…What if he doesn't come?"

I guess I had that thought in mind as I set out to do things intentionally and differently regarding relationships. Sure my plans didn't have the desired results, but at least I was having a go… opening myself up to possibilities; realising the fairytale may not happen and I certainly couldn't just sit and do nothing and expect Mr Darcy or Mr Right to find me and sweep me off my feet. So risks were what I needed to take…and I did.

Next time…I'll tell you about the success story. Yes….after all those embarrassing failures, there has been a happy ending. And I pray there will be for you too.